Torschlusspanik

perennial desire, building intuition, the silver fox cha-cha...

Thank you for being here. This was an open letter in response to DMs seeking advice on the merits of doing one thing versus another, in style and otherwise. Does the how always need to look like the why? How does stuff become the leash on a dream?

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Torschlusspanik is German for gate-shut-panic; the feeling we get when we sense time is “running out”, that doors have closed on us, or that we should be further along by now. The term is supposedly derived from the Middle Ages, when townspeople would panic seeing the city gates close, knowing it meant they would need to spend the night outside the city, vulnerable in the cold.

Recently, a friend called to detail the personalities of her new roommates. One miserable winter day, my friend complained on the walk to their lab, to which the roommate responded, “sometimes I find it exhilarating to be this cold.” We poked fun at her optimism. Months later, I found myself in the midst of another mid-20s heartbreak. In the past, I’ve wanted to re-enter society quickly, for fear of being left on the other side of the gate. I endured past trials via the comforts of my bed, “self care”, treating myself, Mel Robbins-esque narratives, and assurances from loving friends of “better days”. This time around, the bureaucratic inertia of this healing provided about as much comfort as an appointment to the iron lung - a reverse torschlusspanik. I didn’t want to make it back inside the gate before nightfall just to be on life support, performing breathing for those who didn’t feel as though the world had stopped.