funny, lucky, cute
my favorite and longest-running free habit
I remember taking up writing gratitude lists in high school, when I was doing the raw-til-4 vegan, at-home YouTube EMDR, 8-fold path thing because I hadn’t yet discovered antidepressants. Reading that journal back is the biggest crock I’ve ever endured. Thanks to that habit, I now have no record of ever being a Real Teenager. Of course, I am grateful for clean sheets, good friends, hot yoga, my dog, and my two legs, and it’s good to be reminded, but the entries became so mechanical I may as well have been writing “I WILL BE GOOD” 96 times per day in cursive, whilst wearing a dunce cap.
More than that, my life has always been more Curb Your Enthusiasm or Arrested Development than Pollyanna, so it seems a waste of ripe material to try to tamp down all the charms of what actually happened into a sunnier submission. Reading Brian Eno’s diary, A Year With Swollen Appendices, during the summer of 2024 made this venture feel all the more worth committing to, as one day, all of these little details will have been my life.
I started this new, adjacent habit in an abstract form in 2017, when living with my charming, late adopted mother, Moira, in Luxembourg. She was larger than life, the highlight of my clumsy, stupid college existence, and embodied what people think they mean when they use words like “chic” or “iconic”. I wrote about her constantly. She (suspiciously, story for another time) passed away shortly after I moved back to the US. I miss her every day. Since re-reading my Moira Diaries three years ago, I have kept a dedicated Funny Lucky Cute (FLC, for short) on my phone. Every year is a new note, formatted with dates of funny, lucky, or cute things that happened to me or that I witnessed.
I re-read the FLC when I’m sour. If I’m feeling dull, it helps to stir up a little anecdote to bring to the party. In fact, I am posting this because I recounted one last week at a gathering, and Rose Florence said that she’d like to hear more of them. People also love a little callback in a birthday card. “How did you remember that? I loved that day!” they say, and I nod, distractedly wondering if I only do these things so people can commend me for being so thoughtful, observant, and interesting. The Reddit threads about this concern were inconclusive.
This list is my favorite thing, unless you’ve had the singular pleasure of FLC UNCUT, in which case, it’s my second favorite thing. These are not in order. If you think one of these is someone in my life or orbit, no, it isn’t unless you think it’s positive, then it is. This is a small selection of the archive. It’s notes-app writing, all typos are intentional. Some entries edited for contextual clarity. If you see me in person, I’ll indulge you in an UNCUT, FRIENDS-ONLY FLC.
1
1/1 (12:32 am) I ran into a glass wall at the CEO of [redacted] house because it was so clean. It banged like a gong, and I saw birds around my head like a Looney Tunes cartoon, but I did not spill my martini. The butler looked like bugs bunny as a conductor and he winked and pushed the glass wall back into place
1/2 AM - All [redacted] wants this year is love and the first thing Sydney does is call to let [redacted] know she isn’t going to find it this year because she threw up all the midnight grapes
1/2 - A friend said the guy she was dating was a clown and my friend said “Aren’t they all” and [friend] said no he’s really a clown and we looked up his clown residency and he really is a clown
1/6 - Doing the sober thing. Cookies being next to Crack Cocaine on the sobriety tracker made Christian and I laugh.
1/8 - Kelsey and I saw the Tane necklace I love and want to buy literally at the museum in a display
1/8 - The guy at the dumpling place said he recognized us and gave us all dumpling cards backlogged for FREE STAMPS of dumplings based on how many cities in China we could name
1/22 - Annie Rauwerda said SHE is a fan of ME!!!!!! but I am a fan of HER ⭐️🪷🐬
1/31 - Dog almost done with the agility course at Javitz Westminster prelims and then stopped and took a huge shit on the course right in front of the last jump. Carmen got complimented on her Pomeranian sweater
2
2/4 - Kelsey surprised me with 4 macarons in my favorite flavors. Hannah stitched my brass lip button on my coat
2/8 I mean what’s been funny lately, really. Nothing. Although yesterday met this lovely British man. He’s running a marathon every month this year in honor of his friend who committed suicide. Lauren told him he should really get a colonoscopy to get his polyps checked bc of all the running. We’re telling Debbie about our weekend, and the marathon thing, and before Lauren can even say more, Debbie goes, “he should really get his polyps checked with a colonoscopy”. Good looking out to have friends getting PhDs in colon cancer
2/17 - The dentist tech held my hand the whole time I got the novocaine shot and told me I didn’t have to be brave but that did make me feel brave
2/18, later - I just remembered when Lauren and I would goof around during the pandemic and a guy had asked for her # and she got it but they never really went out. Then I randomly ended up meeting him and he asked for my number to ask me out and I gave him his number. He said no that’s my number and I said what are you talking about, it’s my number. He was so freaked out so we didn’t go out. Litmus for sense of humor
2/20 Took Hannah to a 9-hour class at NYU called “Becoming You” because [redacted] works for her so we could go for free. The two of us chuckleheads in there. Christ.
2/23 I had the most fun day with a girl who DMed me. against better judgement to meet up with a stranger in Paris. She works for the Musée d’Orsay and we took a private tour, then shared a gratin and coffee and got tipsy. We went to the epicerie together, and the taster people checked on my allergy after I tried the pesto. I pretended to be suffocating, and it made them laugh. Slapstick transcends language barrier
2/25 - The mustard at lunch was so spicy it almost killed me like Loony Tunes skull cap rattling type shit. Then the waiter made hilarious, exasperated eye contact with me as he spooned a giant dollop of chocolate mousse onto someone’s plate, as if the patron were a real gluttonous annoyance, god forbid, ordering something from the menu. I then bought a pair of Tabis, and later at dinner, a table of French people were teasing, talking about about Americans shopping in Paris, but they didn’t realize I speak UN PETIT PEU!!! of French, so I said do you want a haul and they did. I gave them one, and they invited me to have dinner with them. They were celebrating this girl’s first day of work. The girl looked like Alma from Phantom Thread, the woman like Olivia Coleman, and the man like Ricky Gervais and Leonardo DiCaprio mixed together. We shared caramel souffles and the guy made me take a boomerang of his. More wine, played pool, and went to a club, and I thought about how I would never get hammered and vape with my boss, another coworker, and a stranger after my first day of work.
2/26 - randomly went on a date for 8 hours with the waiter from the restaurant last night. We were supposed to go to a garden but it was pouring so we went to a random garage to look at hideous sculptures. I found out he was 23 and doesn’t really speak English but we had a great time. We talked about the villain in 500 Days of Summer, and he doesn’t think there is one, just two people who couldn’t align (poorly paraphrasing here). I disagreed. I cried laughing on the train of him in his French accent saying, “is your job even real, you are mysteriously traveling and posting things on your instagram which is not your name, it is something weird to me...” I agree with that. Every dog we saw, he pointed it out and said, “playmate for piggy”. Then at the end of the night he said something like "even though he has not travelled this weekend, he experienced another part of the world through me and is grateful for that”. He sent flowers and a card to my hotel to say goodbye and apologized for not finding a card with a dog on it.
2.27 - Halle told me she started FLC-ing and loves it. I taught her FFT (free flowing thought)*, which she also enjoyed and that made me happy and laugh
*free flowing thought is just what we say when you know what you’re about to say is so stupid but you need to say it
3
3/8 - We met a big American boxer on the train named Maximus who was so afraid of skateboards that he was trembling. But someone was just holding one, they weren’t even on it. Pig is the same way. His owner loves him so much. I am the same way. They got in a car accident together a few years ago and Maximus still needs help walking on his back legs. His owner pet him and goes “yeah my boy Maximus” then gestured to the animal on his back and said “And this is minimus. He doesn’t go anywhere without him”. Something about this tough grown man, like The Rock, talking about how he and his little buddy Maximus don’t go anywhere without each other. sobbing
3/8 - went on a date with a guy whose parents send their dogs to the “sausage dog hotel” in London. All daschunds. That’s his dream, apparently. to own one
Met up with friends at Oceans 8 and met these insane, silly men. 8 of them, like the cartoon dwarves. we played my name matrix game (unsayable ←→ sexy, fake ←→ real) with everyone. Attempted trick shots. Can you hold his legs so I can shoot through them. Great way to meet people. Weird separate man kept eavesdropping, then interrupting us to give commentary. Said he had never heard anyone say “being a loser isn’t illegal”. We say this all the time. A guy on the street asked Christian for a hug when we left and the weird man popped out of nowhere from behind him. Hammy and I had an adult sleepover.
3/10 - Woman at [redacted] came up behind me and said “I’m SOOO sorry I’m late” and then realized I wasn’t her friend when I turned around. She then pointed to her friend, who had long, thick, dark hair and a cool shirt on, and said, “So sorry, I thought you were my friend.” I said thank you for thinking my scraggly mop was her thick hair, that made my entire day! She laughed. And [redacted] has a crush! Even better, long story, she has a digital camera photo of him on HER camera that she didn’t acquire in a creepy way. That’s the kind of thing that gets you through, so it’s fun to see her have one. And then I can be through by association. I can’t taste it, but how good is it to smell it etc etc.
3/11 Jo texted me that a song reminded her of me, but she wasn’t sure why. I played it, and it was melancholy and critical in the lyrics, but still feel good and theatrical which is all a good compliment.
Just think of those shocks you’ve got
ANYTHING GOES!!!!
3/14 We all got drunk watching the top 100 music videos of all time from 100 to 1 and ranking them. “Hung up” by Madonna comes on and [redacted] goes “I can’t believe the Kennedys did that to her...” howled. Chatting Bowen Yang on Grindr. Totally
3/14 - Asked grandpa how he was, and he said, in his Kentucky accent, “I got 1 foot in the grave and one on a banana peel”. Saw the rescue rocket launch
3/16 - Thought I was grabbing my Hermes lipstick from my bag and pulled out Pig’s fresh fecal sample. Totally
Wet, overcast day. Listening to The Greatest by Lana del Rey. Right as the crescendo hit, the sun came out from behind the clouds
3/16 - text received. “10 min into Zootopia wtf I’m crying. Let this bunny be a cop. Like the only time I’m pro-cop”
4
4/7 - We got to see Nafis DESPITE waiting in Amherst (where he doesn’t even live) in the car for an hour in the rain. All worked out. Took 3 Polaroids on the rare 18x24. Couldn’t figure out how to use the elevator at MIT which inspired us to look up the acceptance scores for our colleges. Higher than we’d like. I picked a helter skelter Airbnb. J. lucky’s house…in hindsight, should’ve known for $35/night. Shared bathrooms and a giant padlock. There was a towel swan, however
4/19 - All of us laughing remembering when a guy in SF yelled to Gia “damn girl your ass is so flat, you should just k*ll yourself”
5
5/1 [redacted] and I found a little statue on the street corner when we were tipsy and Kelsey yelled at me for bringing it home because she thinks it’s an evil spirit. We named him Heim. He lives on the fire escape. (Editor’s note: There are many notes about Heim. Kelsey turned out to be sort of right because Heim did go missing then reappeared, so).
5/11 - Kelsey and i “got up early” went to Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru. First time, we go all the way to the window without even ordering. The lady is like is this your first day on earth. Second time, we have our window down but the Dunkin window is shut and Kelsey is pressing on her car window button to try to get the Dunkin window to go down. The same lady thinks we’re on bath salts at this point. We really thought we were getting the worm at Brimfield mind you it’s 9 am. midday for some
5/17 - Mom and aunt went to 4 different stores to get me Chex Mix for the flight to Sweden
5/22 - I had given a sweater to a woman outside once because it was cold, and in a shocking karmic cycle, the same woman broke into our building and shit and threw up on it in the foyer.
5/23 - Delivery driver took hauntingly beautiful, almost Lynchian photo of my Westville onion rings. Generational jokes - Bink-182 by Christian. Azelia Binks by Gia. (We call Pig “Binks” sometimes). Hilarious
6
6/6 - Had mozzarella sticks with Lauren in Philly and we laughed about [redacted] saying her med school crush isn’t that hot, but is an Albany 10. I’m a New Haven 8 probably maybe
6/17 - A woman stopped Pig while she was sniffing to say hi and ask what breed. Pig turned to her and started barking and the woman said, “OH! I’ve woken a dreamer...”
7
7/6 - Man at the farm market gave me a free apricot and a single beautiful purple flower. Ran into Jorge and Zana at Seco! Which is always the sort of thing that makes me feel so connected as an adult running into new pal-ish people in a place I don’t live
7/29 - [redacted] thought “burger no” on the Minetta Tavern menu was to order accoutrements and ended up taking everything off her burger and paying like $42 to just get a bare patty delivered to her house in a bag. In menstrual desperation no less. Cried laughing on FaceTime with her
7/30. Saw an aura reader and a psychic today. Home Depot guy said “my wife used to ask why I would bring home tools I didn’t have work for. I told her when you have the tool, the work will come.”
Ran into Matt nearly next to my apartment while holding my giant new coffee grinder. He didn’t know I lived there, and he doesn’t even live here, which made it all the cuter. We grabbed a drink and watched the water
8
8/9 Was feeling freaky at Sarah’s birthday, digging myself into a hole talking about the full moon and the lion’s gate portal being open. This couple I just met started looking at me sideways, then, thank God, Avery one-ups me by talking about how she feeds her cats moon water. Every pot’s got a lid
8/12 - grateful that the Pelham Bay 6 always waits for the 4/5 so people can transfer if they want to go short distances. It feels like one of the few things in New York that makes sense.
8/13 - I met Tory Burch tonight!! Someone on her team remembered when I got dumped and went to Tory Burch to feel better and vlogged it and that post accidentally drove so much EMV that it was in their company slideshow. Lol
8/13 - man on Pacific Street. Orange polo. Missing Two of his front teeth. Holding a Ziploc bag. Jamaican accent. Interrupts me rattling the day off to Kelsey with my sailor tongue and says, “Excuse me, miss, you use obscenities so diplomatically. Like a frog on wood. Or like you’re from the US embassy.” best compliment I’ve ever gotten
8/13 - Saw a girl and her babysitter singing fabulous from High School Musical on my rainy walk to my Enterprise car rental
8/30 - A woman needed help getting instructions to go Uptown and said she was running late. I gave them to her and told her to get on the A train because the C is running local. The A train came and she let it pass and didn’t get on, and I said oh that was your train, the next one is the slower one. She said “but remember the tortoise and the hare…” and walked away.
9
9/6 - Two little girls ran from the promenade away from the sunset as it started to wane and yelled “THE DARK IS CHASING US”
9/25 - Kels kindly went to TJs to get me broth bc im sick, and as she’s asking where they keep the broth over facetime, someone’s hand comes into frame and literally grabbed the last one on camera right in front of me when I was trying to explain to her where it was without being able to point. Excellent comedic timing
10
10/1 - went to [redacted] after Alex Mill x Margaux and bartender Halle fully remembered me by name, which made me smile. She’s dating someone new! then found out her name is HAILEYYYY and I’ve been calling her Halle for 6 fucking months
10/15 - Haiku about the day:
Patina’d journals
When Ginger dons the bag, laugh
Nothing is frozen
Ginger is a dog walker I met at the park today. I asked if she had an extra bag and she already had one around her hand. She transferred it to my hands in such a way that we were holding hands through the empty poop bag. I felt frozen all day today and forgot that life is still happening. I could journal so much about it but I am not sure how much I am supposed to be writing about my life
10/30 - Ham asked if we should bike home from Tadpole for a nightcap in these ridiculous attempts at sexy lawyer outfits and Daniel and I clowned her because the three of us are always getting into the dumbest preventable scenarios together. We were hammered, it had just finished raining, I’ve only been on a bike 15 times, and we wanted to keep our kneecaps. But it was nice outside, so we walked for a long time. We went a block in silence, and trying to be meditative, I said, “Wow, it’s so peaceful over here,” and Daniel said, “Well, yeah, because you two skanks finally shut up”. Which was true obviously because Ham and I never stop talking
11
11/3 - [redacted] bit me as a joke then it lasted on my arm for like 3 weeks
11/6 - met [redacted]. [redacted]’s dad lol and he mentioned we need a word for when you feel cool and are then embarrassed to feel cool
11/17 - 6 of us dressed up for a chic, fantastical friendsgiving dinner, a real “le cote basque” type affair but it was so steamy at Raf’s, we were all flushed and wet with sweat, trying to take off our leather shoes under the table and fanning ourselves, asking them if they could turn the temp down while everyone else in the restaurant seemed to be just fine. My silk dress looked like Issey when I left because the steam radiating from my ass on the leather booth had pleated it. The waiter thought we were insane. whatever we’re leaning into it and getting more and more wine drunk on a sunday, chicken drippings all over the table. Soco starts telling a hilarious story and shows a photo of her bloody feet at the exact right time. Livy spat all her red wine across the table. breaking that level of a humor barrier with beautiful people you don’t know so, so well is like crack
11/18 - We asked the Falafel Heights guy what was up, and he said, “Just got back from Turkey,” and lifted up his hat to show his bloody ass head. Real
12
12/9 - A girl complimented my boots and said she never sees those in the wild. I said thanks, I got them so randomly at a closet sale, they were the only boots the seller had in my size. She said was this Allegra’s closet sale in the LES? I said yes. She said shut the fuck up, those are my boots, I’m Allegra’s friend and gave them to her to sell. I was wearing her boots
12/9 My dumb ass just learned that the Adam Schulman who called me very smart and interesting at a party last week is Anne Hathaway’s husband. I should remember to know who more people are
12/13 - The post office was decorated all cute for the holidays. They wrapped the doors and this made me emotional. The woman let me use her tape for free even though you usually have to buy it and they’re really strict about that. She remarked on how stupid that is when you only need one piece. I told her the post office decorations were so cute and she said thanks and we talked about if we decorate our apartments. She said she loves the holidays but wasn’t into it this year because her grandma just died. I told her I didn’t because I was depressed. We promised each other we would next year
12/16 - I bought kelsey a Bella buddy birdie dog cameo for xmas and then bella died before I got the cameo
12/18 - I waited at Walgreens for literally 2 hours for a single photo print for [redacted] xmas gift (time sensitive) and I kept asking if it was ready and they kept saying no. Finally, I asked one last time, is your machine broken? I got the confirmation text and have shown it both upstairs and downstairs at the register and it’s just one (ONE) single photo and she said “I know, I’m sorry, I just can’t find the screwdriver.” I said why do you need a screwdriver for a single photo print. found out my photo was actually there and ready the whole time but the woman somehow thought I was saying my name is Candy not Heather
12/23 - Grandpa (with dementia) interrupted Harry Potter and yelled “IM JUST SO HAPPY TRUDY IS MY WIFE!!! Wow!!!!!” Trudy said, “oh my god Mark shut up”. hahaahahahah. Then Grandpa said “She wants to tie me to the roof!” Ian and I laughed and laughed
OK THAT’S ALL!!! I <3 TAKING NOTES AND LAUGHING!!! TIL’ NEXT TIME!
Imagine my surprise when I realized that Maximus is a dog and not a big American who works as a boxer and is afraid of skateboards like Pig.
Geez Louise, this was delightful. Laying in bed, drinking my coffee, reading an internet stranger's "funny, lucky, cute" like the morning news---- realizing that in doing so, I am feeling very funny, lucky and cute. You are an exquisite writer.